Motherhood is Stranger then Fiction
by PiperDreamer
Summary: "What?" Sakura said, staring at Tsunade as though the woman lost her mind. "I said congrats, you're now the mother of three S-class criminals. On Hiatus.
1. Edible Toast

Title: Motherhood is Stranger then Fiction

Author: PiperDreamer

_Slant_ means thought.

**Bold** means Inner

Disclaimer: Do not nor ever will I own Naruto!!!

Warning: Mild language use!

* * *

"What?" Sakura said, staring at Tsunade as though the woman lost her mind.

"I said congrats, you're now the mother of three S-class criminals."

* * *

Chapter 1: Edible Toast

* * *

Sakura knew today was going to be bad. Why?

Because her toast was fit for human consumption.

Most people took different things a bad sign:

Asuma took a no smoking sign as a bad sign. Tsunade took a wining streak as a bad sign. Kakashi took Jairiya's writer's block as a bad sign. Ino took a shoe sale with no cute shoe's in it as a bad sign.

For Sakura's toast to be edible (who's toast was normally black and could double as a bludgeoning weapon and as a last resort, food) was a very bad sign.

The last time her toast was edible she had been made Chief Geriatric Practitioner for a year.

She still had horrible nightmares of wrinkly ugly old people. NUDE wrinkly ugly old people.

Pushing that thought as far away as possible, the nineteen year old continued her morning but at a cautious pace.

As the day wore on Sakura became more suspicious, thinking up horrible scenario's of how this day could end.

* * *

Tsunade looked at the stacks of paper in front of her, trying to comprehend what she was reading.

She received word that an old lair of Orochimaru's had been recently discovered by a few villigers from a nearby town. It was on the boarder of Sound and Fire and had sent a squad of ANBU's plus Naruto to investigate after the villigers disappeared when entering it.

That had been over two weeks ago and the squad had just return early that morning with a bizarre story.

Apparently Orochimaru and Kabuto had been there, experimenting on how to physically de-age a person when the ANBU were attacked by Itachi and Kisame who had brought a friend along in the form of the Akatsuki's resident cannibal, Zetsu.

During the battle one of the ANBU had knocked over the as of then yet tested serum as Kabuto had hit the lockdown button. As soon as everyone saw the rapidly building mist from the shattered vial one of the ANBU'S knocked out the protesting Naruto as everyone made a dash for the exit. The ANBU (who were carrying the unconscious Naruto), Itachi and Kabuto had escape before the doors sealed themselves. Itachi and Kabuto got away, but Kisame, Zetsu and Orochimaru were trapped.

The ANBU's split into two groups, one to take Naruto back to the safety of Konoha and the other to wait till the next morning before daring to reopen the hide out.

When the opened it they found the most unbelievable sight.

The three S-class shinobi were kid's, ranging between the ages of eight to five. Not sure what to do the remaining squad took the trio back to Konoha.

Tsunade took a deep breath before fixing the squad leader a stern glare, which proved to be a wasted effort as the man was busy trying to keep the now five year old Zetsu at arms length to prevent said child from chopping on him as the kid had proven to still have a taste for human flesh.

The one holding an eight year old Orochimaru also seemed to be having trouble with his arm-load due to the child attempting to talk his ears off. _Never saw him as the chatty brat type,_ Tsunade mused.

The last one, a six year old Kisame proved to be the good child, as he sat in his ANBU's arm quietly, burying his face into the ANBU's vest as though to hide from them.

The three had been psychologically tested and proven to have the mind set of the age they took with no memories beyond said age.

But she still had no idea as to how long this would last, for all she knew they were going to return to the natural ages in a matter of seconds. But right now they were innocent children, and was going to need someone to watch them.

Tsunade wanted sake right at the moment but even she wouldn't drink in front of impressible children.

Impressible… that's it!

Tsunade smirked, causing the three criminals turned children to clutch there respective ANBU's tightly.

"Take these three to the lobby, and send me Haruno Sakura."

* * *

It was 5 o'clock in the evening and so far it had turned out to be a wonderful day; no deaths, crippling wounds, the hospital had gotten newer and better supplies, she had eaten with Team 7 and Naruto, who had just returned from a mission the day previous, had paid while Sai had behaved and only called her 'Hag' once.

It would have been a perfect day if it wasn't for the fact she was very paranoid which made her high-strung worse then caffeine did, causing her to nearly punch Yamato-sensei when he patted her on the shoulder.

Her shift had ended she had beelined her way home, hell-bent on reaching the safety of her home before something does go wrong.

The door knob was right within her grasp when an ANBU popped up next to her.

"Haruno-san, Hokage-sama demands your attendance immediately."

_Fuck,_ Sakura thought.

* * *

Sakura walked into the lobby wondering what Tsunade wanted. _If she puts me on urinal sampling duty I'll kill her._ The young medic thought angrily. She should of just stayed in bed.

"Why do you wear that mask? How do you breathe? Are you ugly? Why does it look like a beaver? What's the capital of Fire country? Are you really a guy?"

What...?

Looking around Sakura found the source of the questions, and nearly had a heart attack. There was a little kid that looks exactly like Orochimaru only eight years old!

No, it couldn't be. The kid didn't have a malicious chakra and seemed obvious to what kind of shinobi was holding him. Plus he was waaaay too talkative.

Making her way pass the ANBU's holding children Sakura beelined to Tsunade's office, wondering the whole way who the kid was. Orochimaru's son perhaps?

THAT particular idea made her gag. The thought of Orochimaru reproducing ranked right up there with the thought of Gai having children. Something you never wanted to imagine. Ever.

Reaching the door Sakura gave a tentative knock. A muffled come in was heard and the young pink haired girl walked in, dread weighing heavily in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

Hope ya like it, I've been planning to put this up for a while.

I know this kind of story has been done before but I just couldn't resist, though I am sorry about how short it is.

Review please!

PD

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	2. The scream heard around the world

Title: Motherhood is Stranger then Fiction

Author: PiperDreamer

_Slant_ means thought.

**Bold** means Inner

Disclaimer: Do not nor ever will I own Naruto!!!

Warning: Mild language use!

* * *

"What?" Sakura said, staring at Tsunade as though the woman lost her mind. "I said congrats, you're now the mother of three S-class criminals."

* * *

Chapter 2

* * *

Orochimaru knew many things; he knew he was the smartest kid in his class, Rookie of the Year, had the best parents in the world, heard that war was brewing, the Uchiha's and Hyuuga's were pricks (in his best-friend Jiraiya's own words), the Sandaime was the greatest ninja alive and he wanted to follow his father in his footsteps.

What he didn't know was why he awoke in a strange creepy hallway with two other younger kid's and a corpse, naked and no idea of how he got there in the first place. After finding a sheet in one of the many rooms to cover himself with he had tried to ask one of the younger ones, but the strange boy with blue skin kept hiding behind things (or in his far too large clothes) and the weird bi-colored one wearing what look like a flytrap had been unconscious (the only reason he knew the weird boy was there was because his green hair and pincher-things stuck out of his huge cloak).

Not sure what else to do, Orochimaru tried to talk to the blue boy, if only to get his mind of the strange place and the fear that had been creeping up his spine since he woke up next to the dead person.

The blue boy, after much coaxing on Orochimaru's part finally told him his name, which was Hoshigaki Kisame, and apparently the boy was very shy. Orochimaru, who had never been very good with socializing (that was something Jiraiya was excellent at) did what he did best; asked questions.

The blue boy had just stared at him when he asked questions ("How old are you? Is your skin really blue? Are those gills? Why are your teeth sharp? Are you a midget? Why are you looking at me funny?") till they heard a noise and foot steps. Kisame tried to make himself invisible and Orochimaru picked up the plant boy and hid as well, but their efforts seemed futile as they were found by animal masked people who, despite wearing masks, gave the pale fleshed boy the impression of stunned surprise upon seeing them.

Soon Orochimaru began to ask questions till one of the strange men hit the back of his neck and his world went black only to reawake at a hospital. The doctors seemed wary of him, saying he was perfectly healthy to the same strange masked men and a young lady with dark hair holding a pig who gawked at him as though he was an alien.

Then a scary man with scars on his face appeared and asked some questions, and after an hour he left. The lady with the pig, Shizune had then told the masked men to watch them for a while.

Around that time the plant boy woke up and promptly tried to sink through the floor. One of the men caught him in time though the little boy then tried to gnaw the man's head off, starting at the ear. Orochimaru giggled at the sight till the boy drew blood. Orochimaru had then yelled at the boy, smacking him on the hand saying mutilating people was a bad thing.

He really couldn't shake the feeling that the men had stared oddly at him for what he said.

An hour (and roughly eight hundred questions) later the three had been sent to the Hokage's Tower (was it him or did the village look bigger? And a tad older?), but instead of seeing the Third, there was a beautiful lady behind the desk.

Jiraiya would have gone gaga if he had seen her.

No words were exchanged, but the lady kept looking at them, back at a piece of paper, then back at them.

Nervous under her ochre colored eyes, the eight year old turned to the man next to him and started talking.

"Who's she? Where's Hokage-sama? Is he ill? Why did you sigh like that? Is it because of how stiff you look? Are you constipated? Maybe you need to see a doctor, he might be able to help you and your poo problem. Is that why you wear a mask? To hide your agony from your butt-induced pain?"

The man holding Kisame sniggered, his shoulders shaking as Orochimaru's current care taker turned to glare (or at least that what Orochimaru could figure out anyway) at his chortling partner.

The lady didn't really seem to hear them, her eyes far away. Then suddenly she stood up catching the attention of everyone in the room, a evil gleam in her eyes as a mean smirk played it's way onto her lips.

Orochimaru (and unknowingly the other two small boy's) held onto their care taker's tightly, afraid of this scary woman.

"Take these three to the lobby, and send me Haruno Sakura." She ordered. Soon Orochimaru found himself back in the lobby. The man that held him put him down rather quickly before disappearing.

After twenty minutes, Orochimaru was bored. Looking at the remaining two men he decided to chat with the one holding Kisame (as the one holding the plant boy was having a difficult time keeping him still at the moment).

"Why do you wear that mask? How do you breathe? Are you ugly? Why does it look like a beaver? What's the capital of Fire country? Are you really a guy?" Orochimaru continued to ask some questions though he did notice a pretty pink haired girl walk past them only to stop and look at him. For a moment she looked as though she recognized him but shook it off before heading up the stairs.

Shrugging it off as nothing Orochimaru sat next to his now returned caretaker who had sighed heavily at seeing him.

"Did you know that aconitum, also known as aconite, wolfsbane, and monkshood, botanical name is Aconitum Napellus? Best concentration is in the unripe seed pods and roots. Mostly fatal. And Land Caltrops are also called Puncture Vine and Gokhru has the Botanical name of Tribulus Terrestris? The Tribulus is a vine that has been used as a general tonic and herbal treatment for impotence, but is found primarily in dietary supplements."

His caretaker twitched sporadically, as though he wanted to rip something apart very badly.

Before he could ask though, someone yelled "WHAAAAAAAAT?!" from the room he had left the blonde lady in.

The children jumped, causing the masked men to hold them tighter, as though afraid they'd run.

After a moment of silence, everyone relaxed. Who ever it was must have calmed down some. But Orochimaru furrowed his eyebrows, wondering who that was and why they needed to scream. Looking at his caretaker Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow.

"Who was that screaming like someone had just taken away their chances to find the one they obsess about?"

The caretaker let out an exasperated yell.

* * *

Tsunade watched Sakura's expression, wondering how the young girl was taking the news about all this. After explaining what had transpired at Orochimaru's lair, Sakura had looked suitably shocked.

Shizune looked between the two ladies, wondering what Tsunade was plotting, and yes she was convinced it was plotting as there could be no other explanation to the wholly evil look in her eyes just moments ago.

Sakura remained quiet for a moment before she spoke. "THE Orochimaru, the evil body-snatching, power hungry bastard and two Akatsuki members got turned into children?"

"Yes, astounding I know, but it's true. We had managed to find out about the other two's identities. Hoshigaki Kisame, legendary swordsman and partner to Uchiha Itachi who had a few years previously tried to kidnap Naruto and Zetsu, a cannibalistic schizophrenic spy master whose origins are unknown."

"This…is unbelievable. But then where are-" Sakura cut herself off as realization dawned on her. The boy in the lobby was Orochimaru! She had walked right past the very man that tore her team apart and shrugged it off because he looked like a child!

_Oh when I get my hands on that freak I'll rip his arm off and beat Sasuke-kun's location outta him!_ The pink haired girl murderously contemplated.

Seeing her building rage, Tsunade spoke. "I wouldn't get mad right now Sakura. Orochimaru has no memories beyond eight years old, so to him he hadn't done anything wrong. In fact he kept asking where Sarutobi-sensei was and who I am. As of now he is an innocent child."

Sakura blinked in surprise, then screamed, "WHAAAAAAAAT?!"

He couldn't recall ANYTHING?! He had invaded Konoha! Cursed Anko and Sasuke-kun! He was a total freak of nature and didn't have a shred of moral fiber or compassion in him! And now he couldn't remember his evils thanks to a botched experiment?

**That means we can't grill him for Sasuke-kun's location!** Inner wailed.

Pushing Inner to the back of her mind Sakura sighed exasperatingly. "So what are you planning to do with them?"

"Since we have very little idea about the substance that caused this anomaly, I will be sending a squad to the site to do a bag and tag routine. I'll be needing someone to keep an eye on the boy's, someone I can trust, who won't let petty revenge cloud their mind when handling them, after all they are just innocent children now."

It was Shizune who gasped before looking at Tsunade as though she had just done something diabolical, causing Sakura's hairs to rise on end.

"Tsunade-sama! Your not thinking what I think your thinking, are you?"

"That depends on what you're thinking." The leader said, not turning to face her subordinate.

"Are you planning to make Sakura a nanny?"

That caused Sakura to pale. Looking at her leader she was mildly relieved at the incredulous look she was now shooting Shizune.

"Shizune, please! I'd never make Sakura into babysitter for some whinny brat! That's beneath her capabilities!"

Both of Tsunade's apprentice's let out a sigh they hadn't been aware they were holding. _Thank goodness! I was worried there for a moment, _The dark haired lady thought.

Sakura looked at her leader confusedly. "But shushui, why am I here?"

"Your taking charge of those three."

Both woman gaped at her. "But you said-"

"I said I'd never make Sakura into babysitter for some whinny brat. These three are, or were S-class criminals."

Before either could say any protest Tsunade was talking again. "Sakura, what ever had turned them into this may not last long. For all we know they'll turn back in a matter of seconds, or they'll never return to their real age. If it's the latter though, I want to take full advantage of it."

"Advantage of what?" Sakura asked, looking understandably confused.

"Think! They are some of the most feared and skilled men of our day and age! With them stuck in a vulnerable, harmless, and very impressible mindset and body we can remold them! They'd be on our side!"

Shizune looked appalled. "But they could return to their original age and attack us!"

"Tsunade-shushui are you drunk again?!" The enraged pinkette yelled in frustration.

"Yes, I just said I'm aware about the probability of them returning to their true ages, that's why I'm putting these on them." Tsunade held up three necklaces, each carrying what looked like a tear shaped pendant.

"Jiraiya had made these seals in case the fox ever breached past the seventh tail, nullifying the chakra and reverting the wearer back to the power level of a genin. A nifty feature is that the only person capable of taking it off is the one who put it on other person."

Shizune blinked in surprise before smiling. "That's brilliant! Even if they somehow get back to their real ages they won't be a threat!"

"No duh, Shizune. Sakura, your going to put these on them."

"What! Why?"

"Because you're their mommy now! Congrats, and take the stupid seals."

Sakura felt her brain blow a fuse. What did Tsunade just call her?

"What?" Sakura said, staring at Tsunade as though the woman lost her mind.

"I said congrats, you're now the mother of three S-class criminals."

* * *

Kankruro and Temari both jumped and Gaara's sand went up when they heard the bloodcurdling scream of absolute horror.

From within Gaara's office in Suna.

* * *

This chapter is dedicated to Tiramisu Blaze for using the dreaded Chibi-Naruto-Puppy-Eyes on me.

It's amazing how those things can motivate a person.

Hope you like it! Next up! Sakura meets her new 'sons'!

PD

.


	3. Don't eat me!

Title: Motherhood is Stranger then Fiction

Author: PiperDreamer

_Slant_ means thought.

**Bold** means Inner and Black Zetsu

Disclaimer: Do not nor ever will I own Naruto!!!

Warning: Mild language use!

* * *

"What?" Sakura said, staring at Tsunade as though the woman lost her mind. "I said congrats, you're now the mother of three S-class criminals."

* * *

Chapter 3: Don't eat me!

* * *

Sakura looked down at the little demons -- er, _children_ that she was now forced to watch. They all were wearing hospital patients clothing as the ANBU's had found them swimming in their old clothing. Looking imploringly at Tsunade Sakura mentally begged her to pick ANYBODY else but got a firm glare by the blonde woman.

Looking back Sakura studied her 'sons'.

The smallest of the three was Kisame, who kept hiding behind something, shyly peeking out but would immediately hide from sight again if she looked at him.

The oddest looking one was Zetsu, who was currently sporting a muzzle and straightjacket as he glared at her, the ANBU holding him by his flytrap had bite marks all over his arms, his arm guards heavily marked with teeth shape indents that scored deeply into them.

Then she saw the oldest of the three and had to force herself to keep her neutral face on and not outright attack the monster-turned child. Orochimaru was now roughly level with her stomach, same pasty colored flesh, long black hair and golden eyes. But unlike his adult self, this Orochimaru didn't have a cruel smirk but a happy smile on, his normally cold and vicious eyes were joyful, shining brightly with childish innocence.

Smiling radiantly (that would have probably made even Gai go temporarily blind and then bawl because he didn't have that smile) Orochimaru spoke.

"Hi! My names Orochimaru! I'm 8 years old and my birthdays on October 27th! My hobbies are making up new jutsu's, playing doctor and scientist, imitating others and playing games with my best friend Jiraiya! My favorite food is eggs and my least is anything cold! My dream is to be like my Papa!" he said in one breath.

Sakura just stared. _Wow… he's so…normal. Though most of his hobbies were carried thru his adulthood. _She thought, remembering how he used those 'hobbies' in the past.

Looking at Zetsu, she could only stare for a moment.

**He has a plant growing on his head.**

_If you want to be technical it's on his shoulders._

**There's a ****photosynthetic organism that has cellulose cell walls****. Growing. On. His. Frickin'. Shoulders.**

_Looks like it. _

She nodded expectantly to his holder. The man sighed.

"Zetsu. Current age is 5. Blood type B. Cannibal. Origins unknown, has schizophrenia." The ANBU replied curtly.

Zetsu gave a muffled yell, saying something that sounded very unpleasant before another muffle was heard (this one different sounding from the first), seemingly chiding the other.

**He's definitely our son,** Inner deadpanned.

Breathing deeply she turned to Kisame and his ANBU. Kisame hid behind the ANBU, barely taller then her knees. The ANBU chuckled, gently nudging the blue child out from behind, encouraging him to speak.

"…My name is…Hoshigaki Kisame…I'm six…my birthday's is March 18th…I…like crabs and shrimp…don't like shark fin soup…and…and I don't like the color…blue." The child mumbled, bashfully tugging at his sleeve as he kept his eyes focused on the floor.

**His six? Not three? Or two?** Inner said looking surprised.

_He does look like he's only three, he's so…tiny. But why does he not like the color blue? He is blue!_ Sakura mused.

**Maybe that's why he doesn't like it. You didn't like your forehead when you were growing up either. **

Sakura took another deep breath before smiling at the three.

"Hello! I'm Haruno Sakura, I'm a Chunin medic-nin, sixteen years old and my birthday is on March 28th. My hobbies are playing trivia games and memorizing new material for my medical studies. My favorite foods are umeboshi and anmitsu, while my least favorites are anything spicy. I'm going to be your guardian for a while."

Orochimaru raised his hand.

"Yes Orochimaru?" Sakura managed to say with no acidicness.

"Why are you our guardian? Why can't I be with my Mama and Papa?"

Sakura blinked, not bothering to hide her surprise. Orochimaru had PARENTS? Though logically he would have had parents to have been born, another side of her had always insisted that he had just crawled out of the lowest trenches of hell.

Well there goes that theory.

Luckily for Sakura Tsunade spoke up to answer that.

"Your parents have been sent on a long term mission and won't be back for a long, long time. Until then Sakura will be your new mommy."

Sakura turned to glare at her leader. Tsunade on the other hand watched the three boy's reactions.

Orochimaru still looked perplexed as though he could tell something wasn't adding up, Kisame paled as fear became evident in his beady eyes, and Zetsu mouth something that sounded like "**What the hell?**" and "Yummy, a Mommy sandwich."

Sighing Sakura turned to the trio, smiling brightly. "Well, let's go get you three new clothes."

Sakura knew the moment the trio was passed to her this wasn't going to be easy. Why?

Because the ANBU holding on to Kisame had to pry the now bawling child off of him as he wailed about 'Evil Baby-eating Mommy's', the one with Zetsu had handed him over with a list of things he had chewed on along with the damage price and various people she should avoid if she didn't want to get sued due to nearly becoming the bi-colored boy's meal (the ANBU who had been holding Zetsu was at the top of the list) and the one who had Orochimaru practically flung him at her, saying, "He's all yours! May kami have mercy on your soul and ears!"

* * *

Sakura ignored the strange looks she received as she trudged through the clothing store with what looked like a muzzled and straightjacket plant in one arm and a blue skinned child that was bawling his head off as he tried to get out of her grip and a very pasty fleshed effeminate boy that was tied to a cord that connected around her waist as he chatted nonstop while she browsed through for proper clothing.

Luckily Tsunade had given her spending money for food and clothing though right now it was very difficult to do anything when one had a wiggling crying child and a chatterbox working at your nerves. It was a sad day when the only one that wasn't given her a grief was the cannibal though that was probably due to being tied and gagged.

"Haruno-san? Can I get a purple hoari? I like purple, it's a nice color. Do you like purple? If so what shade of purple? Me, I like heliotrope, it's a happy shade of purple and its also my Papa's favorite color right after white but I think that's because Mama was something called albino, she used to have really, really, really white skin kinda like mine and white hair but she had the pretty pink eyes! In fact her eyes were your shade of pink Haruno-san."

"That's great." Sakura said when he paused (probably for a breather) hoping he would stop. Yeesh, no wonder that ANBU was so happy to get rid of him! The brat kept going and going and going!

"You never answered my question; what's your favorite shade of purple?"

"Um…lilac." Sakura said, randomly picking a type of purple.

"Really? I thought you looked like a spring type person. Is spring your favorite season?"

"Sure. Kisame please stop squirming."

"Really? Mine's summer because it's the warmest. Do you like warm weather?"

"Yeah. Ow! No kicking!"

"I like the dry weather over the muggy kind. What's your favorite kind of weather?"

Turning to the psychopath-turned-child Sakura gave a strained smile, her left eye twitching slightly as Kisame once more tried to kick his way out of her arms.

"Look, I'm trying to get you, him and _-oof- _him new clothing. Can you please be quiet for a moment?"

"What? Oh, sorry. I kinda ranted there for a moment didn't I? But don't worry; you tell me to zip my lips and zzzzzzip they go- oooh what's that?"

Had it not been for the fact Sakura was a highly trained ninja she would have landed on her rear when Orochimaru ran towards the jewelry section, causing the cord to jerk with him.

Though she didn't loose her balance the unexpected jerk caused her to drop Kisame and Zetsu. The tiny blue child wasted no time and had bolted through the store as Zetsu sunk into the ground…well the black side anyway. The white side looked surprised before yelling a muffled yell at his darker self.

Sakura would have laughed at the sight of a child half there but right now just wasn't the time.

Yanking the plant-child out Sakura grabbed onto Orochimaru (who seemed to be getting hypnotized by a tiny but shiny chime clock that had a small pendulum swinging within it) as she went hunting for the runaway blue child.

* * *

Kisame stood perfectly still, hoping the Evil Baby-eating Mommy didn't find him. He may be only six years old but even he knew about those great evils. The older kids in the orphanage that he lived in told horror stories about parents; monsters that sucked out your soul, ate your brains, pickled your spleen, and turn your gizzards into an ashtray.

The males were called Father/Daddy/Papa and were fierce. If you got bitten by one, you turned into a zombie!

The females were called Mother/Mommy/Mama and they ate babies and little kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

So to the young boy, it was perfectly logical to avoid the slavery known as adoption where you got sold to evil monsters that saw you as a meal!

But somehow he still got a Mommy who was now trying to dress him up for the inevitable feast!

He felt sorry for those two other children; they were going to be eaten and had no idea about it!

"Wha--?" a voice said.

Kisame jumped, looking to the source of the voice.

It was a young woman who appeared to be working here who just stared at him mouthing the words 'blue-skinned' several times. Composing herself she took the boy out of his hiding place and held onto him as she gave him a stern look before she spoke again. "Little boys shouldn't be hiding in the lingerie."

Kisame looked confused. Staring at his hiding Kisame wondered briefly if 'lingerie' meant for the strange hats he had decided to hide in.

The weird ones with three holes he figured were so your hair could hang out from the smaller holes (though why they printed those kitty's upside down baffled him) and the other hats looked like a double barrel slingshot or a unique ear protectors.

Looking back at the lady Kisame spoke. "Why not?...these hats…are c-cool."

The woman stared for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"Whats funny--?"

"Kisame!"

The boy paled and tried to run but the howling lady had yet to let him go.

_No! The pink haired baby-eater is coming!_ The small blue child thought in horror. Try as he might to run he couldn't with the grip the lady had him in.

A moment later the toddler muncher was in front of him, giving a firm and very irate look to him.

Kisame shook like a leaf before busted out into tears. The pink lady looked startled, as though she wasn't expecting this.

Handing the plant-child over to the albino boy, she crouched to his level.

"Kisame? What wrong? Are you hurt?"

"YOU'RE GONNA EAT ME!" the poor child wailed. The worker lady just stared, not really sure what to do.

"I'm not going to eat you, Kisame."

"Yes you are! That's what all mommies' do!"

"Kisame, who told you that?"

"Utakata told me so! Your gonna cook me in oil and serve me with lobsters and shrimp!" he piteously sobbed.

----

Meanwhile, wandering the country side a certain jinchuriki dressed in blue and blowing a bubble pipe was having a violent sneezing fit.

_Someone's talking about me. Bet it's those dang ANBU's_. Utakata thought tiredly.

----

Back in Konoha Sakura tried to convince the poor and misguided child that she was not going to eat him.

She was very irated by the worker lady who had gone off about her being a poor mother to which Sakura was all too happy to inform that wasn't the mother of the child who had, once he was let go, buried himself among the 'hats' he had originally been hiding in.

"A mother shouldn't make her son cry!"

"For the last time, I'm not his mother!"

"Haruno-san, Zetsu ate through his muzzle and is now chewing through the leather straps."

"**You brat! How dare you sell us out! We'll eat you!**" the darker side raged.

"We can't eat him! He might be diseased!" the white side yelled.

"I'm not diseased!" Orochimaru cried out at the tiny child struggling in his arms.

"Your skin is white! That ain't healthy!"

"I'm albino!"

"And we're bi."

Had Sakura not been busy aurguing with the store worker, trying to coax Kisame out and keeping an eye on her last two wards she would have wondered why the dark side of Zetsu sputtered when the white side said this, his eye widening comically in confusion, disbelief and disgust.

* * *

Another chapter! Yay!

Poor Sakura; she has an ADD Orochimaru who can't shut up, an extremely shy parent and phago phobic Kisame, and Zetsu who is currently confused (why will be revealed in the next chapter). For those who didn't know, Utakata is the six-tail's host.

Hope you like it! If you have any ideas, tell me; I might use them!

Please review!

PD

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	4. Hiatus note

Hiatus note:

Do to issues beyond my control, lack of time and drive; this story will be on hiatus till further notice.

My most sincere apologies.

PD.

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